Lessons Need Learning 15

“You are too important to me for me to let this relationship get any more complicated. You are my anchor, and I can’t risk losing you. I need to prove to myself that I can be independent. I need to prove to myself that I can survive on my own, that I don’t need to be dependent on guys.”

These words of yours I have had to repeat to myself tonight. I need to keep myself from doing something stupid, to stop myself from taking the girl of my dreams. The stars haven’t aligned properly. Karma hasn’t decided that the good I do for this world is worth me finally being able to be happy. The thing I do best is bury emotions, and karma has decided to exploit this. I am handed a woman, she is perfect in every way that matters to me, but she has a very dark past. I have been put here to support her, to get her through the days after she attempts suicide, to get her through the days when life overwhelms her. Then karma twists her past, shapes her present and molds her future in such a way that I will never be allowed to kiss her again the way I did tonight. I will never be allowed to hold her and look into her eyes and tell her that I love her ever again. We have been doomed to always have these feelings towards each other, but be unable to act upon it for the good of her overall wellbeing. Once again, I am the guy who is too good to have as your man. Once again, I am the guy who must stand on the sideline and watch you give yourself to lesser men. Once again, I am required to stand on this sideline and be there for you, to hold you up, to keep you from diving off the deep end of the waterless pool. I must stand there and be happy for you. I must stand there and smile, because if you saw the pain I go through to have let you go, it would tear you in half. I pray to gods I don’t believe in that you will fix yourself over these next three years. I pray that you will finally find that happy confidence you gave me up for.

I pray that I am strong enough to stay your friend.